![]() All jazz players, regardless of age, instrument, or ability, are deeply insecure. You are "vibing" them, and they'll come undone. Now watcheach will assume that: a) you play his instrument, and b) you think he sucks. Stare intensely at each musician during his solo, and move your mouth along with his lines. IH: Sit as close to the band as possible. Non-Yuppie Jazz Dives Same as Yuppie jazz dives, but without the Lysol. Somewhere, in the background, a jam session takes place. Yuppie conversation, to compete with these sounds, is elevated to a roar. When the band starts, somebody will forget to turn the CD off. Feeding this psychedelic nightmare will the the bar's blender, a cash register, a big-screen television, and a CD player cranking out music that bears no resemblance to jazz. In the absence of carpeting or drapery, sounds will reverberate and distort like a bad LSD trip. "Samick," translated from Korean, means "looks like a Steinway but sounds like a Hyundai." ( IH: an actual piano can Yugo be far behind?) The room itself will be an acoustical nightmare. There will be no piano, or there will be a Samick. In the restrooms, a fresh coat of Lysol won't fully supress the smell of vomit. There will be a state-of-the-art ventilation system that makes the thick cigar smoke swirl around in impressionistic patterns. There will be an abstract painting of a saxophonist. There will be at least one fake Cajun dish on the menu. ![]() Home at last among the expensive cigars and fancy martinis. All the more gratifying, then, to finally feel the club's warm embrace. Walking hurriedly from parking space to venue will raise the courageous Yuppie's heartbeat past Stairmaster level. There may be no valet parking, but caution be damned! The club will be located in a "transitional" part of town. The Room Session venues fall into two distinct categories: Yuppie Jazz Dives Yuppies don't generally like dives, but jazz, to a Yuppie, is a daring adventure. The last thing the session needs is another ego. IH: Although your food and drink dollars are the lifeblood of the jazz economy, remember that to the musicians, you're irrelevant. Special "Insider's Hints" (" IH") highlighted throughout the text will help you make the most of your maiden voyage. This primer will help you better appreciate the intense psychodrama being played out on stage. ![]() Ready to check out your first jam session? There's much more to jazz musicand to the "session" in particularthan meets the eye.
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